I don’t know if I can succinctly and logically write out the jumbled mess that is the contents of my brain. Lately, I have been paralyzed by the wheels spinning, spinning, spinning inside my head, unable to string together a coherent explanation (written or otherwise) for how I am feeling. The irony is that this is when I need to be writing most. Spilling out the confusion, leaving it here, clearing my head, finding peace.
I have been feeling like I have been walking along a tightrope, suspended way up above all that is safe and secure. Fortunately, what separates the new me from the old me is I have been walking more gingerly. Careful and aware. Conscious that any misstep could result in injury, broken friendships, irrevocable damage. It’s a huge step for me, as I try to navigate adulthood in a more productive, purposeful manner. But, as we all know, every step forward is accompanied by the threat of faltering. I am working towards walking this path without having to watch my feet. Head held high, no staring blankly at a map with which I am unfamiliar. Confident in myself and not getting sidetracked by hurt feelings or confrontation or pettiness.
I used to confuse my carelessness with bravery… I had myself convinced that I was so strong, willing to risk relationships for the sake of the moral high ground, for my convictions. I have a taste of clarity now. I understand that it was actually easier, and quite cowardly of me, to light the match and run. Instead of employing such grown up tools as diplomacy, restraint or compassion, I would just convince myself that with righteousness on my side, I had the green light to behave any way I saw fit. Justified bad behavior is still bad behavior.
Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?
Well, I have always been the one that had to be hit over the head (repeatedly) to learn the simplest of lessons. And finally, after a huge, psyche-rattling thud, I am starting to get it. I just wish I had started trying to behave like a grown up twenty years ago. I am not sure I have enough years left on this planet to hone my new-found maturity.
{ 17 comments }
Hang in there, Deb. I’ve missed you!
Kristina P.´s last blog ..5 K-arat Gold
Well dude, you did a pretty good job of writing out the “jumbled mess that is the contents of your brain.”
How happy I was to see you show in my dashboard with a brand new post. Right. On.
Being a grown-up is so damn overrated. I keep telling my girls that who claim to want to be the one in charge.
Let’s chat when you can….I’ve missed you!
With experience comes vision. It is that clarity of things that make you look at things objectively instead of emotionally. I was recently reading some journal entries from 20 years ago and realized that I was way too snap judgmental (I even admitted it in my journal) It is only now that I have experienced enough to know that I was being selfish and not selfless. I can tell that you are well on the path to becoming more selfless and will not let those things which dogged you in the past get you down.
Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)´s last blog ..F2: Easter
I think you ARE brave. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be able to change behaviors that you want to change.
Jo´s last blog ..The Happiest Place on Earth
Ah, so a figurative storm, not literal. I was wondering. I was worried. Sounds like you’re working your way through, but you have my numbers if you feel so compelled to unload. We threeway with Lee.
You know what I mean dirty girl.
I could at least take your mind off the issue with my hilarious stories about how Yahoo keeps blocking my new site
Ash´s last blog ..Luckily, it’s one of my favorite John Lennon tunes.
We “could” threeway – jeez Louise it’s hard to type and entertain a kid at the same time.
Ash´s last blog ..Luckily, it’s one of my favorite John Lennon tunes.
Hang in there girl! I have been vacant lately too… house buying crap and family drama.. and all that jazz… hoping things slow down for all of us soon!
Jenn´s last blog ..KQC Flatiron review
growing up sure hurts. spinning here too. waiting to hear more from you, maybe it will help me figure out me?
stefanie´s last blog ..trees – day two (gratefuls abloom)
This is another one of those posts that just blows me away because I’m in awe of how you can put things like this into words. I love it. And you are awesome. I always love reading new posts from you.
Sera @ Laughing Through the Chaos´s last blog ..Little bit of this, little bit of that.
Hmm…. could it be that dropping friends like flies the first time they screw up is reckless and cowardly?? I dunno… I’m only 24… so can I go on for a few more years just taking the easy way out??? I’m quite fond of it…. lol
I hope you’re feeling outta the funk ASAP (((hugs)))
Young Momma´s last blog ..Kim’s Angels
As an aside, I just have to say that something strange goes on in people, especially women, in the spring. I’m convinced of it. I think blogging has shown me that, actually. We talk more openly about thoughts and feelings here and SO many people are saying they feel this THING they can’t describe, something stirring and changing in them and they just can’t put their finger on it exactly. I guess I think it’s pretty cool that we can write or just sit on it for a while and then watch it reveal itself.
I love your thoughts here, Deb. And I guess I just think it’s great to realize anything at any time. Maybe you did learn some of this twenty years ago. We’re always experiencing little shifts, you know? And then we’re always forgetting and falling back on our old ways of functioning and behaving and thinking out of habit. It’s really hard to hang on to these new and good things, but I think they stick, even when we don’t know it. At least a little. Thank God. And then the next time we remember, we’re that much better at holding on to our new insights and using them.
Or something. What do I know?
Heather of the EO´s last blog ..Chubby Bunnies
You wrote this out beautifully. And I’m always open to continuing that conversation we were having. Email anytime, Deb.
-elizabeth
Elizabeth (@claritychaos)´s last blog ..from my notebook {coffee shop}
we are so much alike…although you are much braver and smarter than I. I let all the crap build up inside and it just explodes and I don’t seem to learn a thing. sigh.
I’m attempting to catch up…so glad to see your post.
Life is always a journey and I know for a fact that I am still a work in progress. Good for you for coming to some important realizations, even if they were difficult to come to.
Michelle´s last blog ..Our California Adventure Part Two: San Diego
oh , it’s so hard being an adult isn’t it! Don’t you just want to flop down in a field of flowers and make things up about clouds??
Thinking of you- and dealing with similar feelings.
Loren ´s last blog ..Review of Wisdom For Everyday Life From The Book of Revelation
Oh how I’ve missed you, girlfriend! Don’t be too hard on yourself. You have been spending the last 20 years creating a home, a family, and 2 extra people! Of course you didn’t have time to examine your emotions. Maybe those who were quiet along the way secretly envied your ability to speak your mind.
Think of it more as “refining” yourself, rather than “redefining”. Many go thru life never concerned with how their actions impact others or themselves. Kudos for being conscious about these things. Funny, I think we both spend so much time daydreaming about being unconscious, huh?
Not to mention the whole teen thing!! Holy Cow!! There arent’ meds strong enough to keep me rational and sane enough to be accountable for half of what I do living with 4 teenagers.
Love you and keep the “rambling” coming!
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