Hello my precious friends! I appreciate your patience while I am in the throes of life with two aggravating, independent, mischievous, growing boys who have an acute (and possibly fatal) case of spring fever. I am taking it day by day. So until my return, enjoy…

I am pretty sure some of you think that I have died. I haven’t, and that is very reassuring to myself, and perhaps it will be to others, as well. However, just because I am not dead does not, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that things are peachy. This whole real life thing strikes again, and as much as I wish I could find a balance between real life and fun, happy, cathartic blog life, I just can’t. Or couldn’t. Until today…

There are only two people who visit my blog who knew me prior to my life as a sometimes-blogger began. Both get it.  But today, I am contemplating telling a third person… Someone I see very regularly, and whose company I actually enjoy. And the idea of ‘coming out of the closet’ got me thinking.

The reason (or one very important one) I have such a hard time balancing my time is because the gap between the two aspects of my life is just so very wide. Two different characters, in two different plays. Transitioning between the two is time consuming.  To play my role in one, I am required to change costume, makeup, the scenery, my thoughts, my words, from the other. That’s pretty darn hard to do. Exhausting, sometimes.

So it’s easier to stay fully in one character for as long as I can, until I can turn my attention to the other.

But now, I wonder if I should work towards bridging the gap. Perhaps finding a way to integrate all my many ‘me’s into one ‘me’. The mere thought scares me, but if both Ash and Sybil could do it, why can’t I?

So that’s what is on my mind. We will see where it goes. In other news, my boys are still pushing me ever closer to institutionalization and all my favorite reality TV shows are wrapping up. Summer can not get here fast enough!

I don’t know if I can succinctly and logically write out the jumbled mess that is the contents of my brain. Lately, I have been paralyzed by the wheels spinning, spinning, spinning inside my head, unable to string together a coherent explanation (written or otherwise) for how I am feeling. The irony is that this is when I need to be writing most. Spilling out the confusion, leaving it here, clearing my head, finding peace.

I have been feeling like I have been walking along a tightrope, suspended way up above all that is safe and secure. Fortunately, what separates the new me from the old me is I have been walking more gingerly. Careful and aware. Conscious that any misstep could result in injury, broken friendships, irrevocable damage. It’s a huge step for me, as I try to navigate adulthood in a more productive, purposeful manner. But, as we all know, every step forward is accompanied by the threat of faltering. I am working towards walking this path without having to watch my feet. Head held high, no staring blankly at a map with which I am unfamiliar. Confident in myself and not getting sidetracked by hurt feelings or confrontation or pettiness.

I used to confuse my carelessness with bravery… I had myself convinced that I was so strong, willing to risk relationships for the sake of the moral high ground, for my convictions. I have a taste of clarity now. I understand that it was actually easier, and quite cowardly of me, to light the match and run. Instead of employing such grown up tools as diplomacy, restraint or compassion, I would just convince myself that with righteousness on my side, I had the green light to behave any way I saw fit. Justified bad behavior is still bad behavior.

Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?

Well, I have always been the one that had to be hit over the head (repeatedly) to learn the simplest of lessons. And finally, after a huge, psyche-rattling thud, I am starting to get it. I just wish I had started trying to behave like a grown up twenty years ago. I am not sure I have enough years left on this planet to hone my new-found maturity.

I have made a discovery that may very well turn the blogging world upside down. By unearthing this secret, I may be putting myself in danger, but it’s worth it to protect the esteemed name of Mommy Bloggers everywhere.

Somehow, all of us females with (or without) children, who happen to author a blog, seem to be the ‘go-to gals’ for constant scrutiny, pummeling, and/or investigation. I guess we are a rather shady bunch, what with our slings and Etsy shops and easy recipes for those evenings when we have to rush out to meet with our terror cells, to review the latest in explosives.

You see, all this time, the media have been barking up the wrong tree, focusing all of their attention on Mommy Bloggers. I will tell you straight up, the Mommy Bloggers do not have the market cornered when it comes to online drama, scandal and controversy. Far from it. How do I know this? Well, let me tell you a story…

Once upon a time, there was a husband who worked very, very hard and whined incessantly about getting a ‘toy’ (the kind with wheels and an engine) to work on in the garage, bond over with his boys, and generally keep him out of his wife’s hair. After his deceptively sincere sounding promise of eternal servitude, his wife agreed.

Not long after the ‘toy’ was purchased, the husband, in his ever increasing need to think about, discuss, and ‘learn’ about his new ‘toy’, joined an online forum, comprised of mostly male owners of this same type of ‘toy’ from all over the world. This was a jovial group of enthusiasts, merely wanting to support and connect with other owners of this same ‘toy.’ Or so it seemed.

It wasn’t long before the wife was hearing all about the Wise Old Sage that had been around forever, and the New Guy, trying too hard, too soon, to make it big. There were lots of favorite photos posted, a Pay-It-Forward campaign, and sadly, even a scandal involving a fundraiser for a forum member battling cancer, only to find out said member was never really sick.  Believe it or not, there were even arguments about sponsors and products. And one day, the husband found himself knee-deep in an actual breastfeeding controversy! The congenial group was not so congenial all the time. Insults were thrown and accusations made. But in most instances, wounds were healed, apologies extended and life on the forum continued happily ever after.

So my point? Well, I’m not sure what my point is. The obvious conclusion could be that women are easy targets. Or maybe the conclusion to be drawn is that men can act an awful lot like women. Crazy women, but women, nonetheless. Or maybe the point should be that the stuff (good and bad) we encounter in, and around, our blogs is happening everywhere, with everyone, and we needn’t take it, or ourselves, so seriously.

Our sweet little kitten, Sassafras, recently came down with some sort of eye thing. So, I did what any responsible pet owner would do, and tried to resolve the issue on my own, rather than do something crazy like take her to the vet. You may not know this, but veterinary medicine is a scam. I found this out a few years ago, when the vet suggested I give my dog valium (long story). Here I had been buying all these expensive official pet drugs for years, only to learn they were the same as people drugs, but with expensive official pet drug names.  Ever since, I have been operating under the assumption that pets are basically just humans with fur. So, take note:  When your pets get sick, you can just do to them what you would do to your kid. Or your grandma. Whichever one weighs less.

So, I pulled out my Armageddon kit filled with emergency tampons, Ensure, and drug samples to see if I could find anything that might cure Sassy’s eye. Thanks to Moody Teen’s disgusting bout of pink eye a few years back, there was some ointment that was sure to do the trick (regardless of what the expiration date might have indicated).

After about three days of treatment, Sassy was slowly getting better. But not quickly enough for my impatient family. They were all concerned and kept begging me to take her to the vet. I was confident in my treatment plan and didn’t waiver. I insisted that due to the whole species exchange rate, the medicine might take a little longer to work.

The next morning, we all noticed that her eye had gotten significantly worse! The boys were distraught and blaming me, and my husband was all prepared to launch into I-Told-You-So mode, when suddenly, I noticed something strange…

“Poor” little one-eyed Sassy was favoring the wrong eye. Didn’t think we’d notice, huh, Sass?

So here we are… alive. A little brain-dead, but alive. Since I have apparently lost the ability to write, I thought I’d break out the camera. I was lucky enough to score an exclusive interview with a couple of survivors of the Mommy Wars. Keep in mind I had only one take, as they were threatening to unionize.

I have been more than a little fixated on all of the angst over the standard, kid-raising fare, that always seems to result in finger-pointing, judging, and general mommy self-righteousness. Breast v Bottle, Cloth v Disposable… you know what I mean. I just don’t get it, but maybe I am too far removed. But then I think, maybe it does matter, and I am simply justifying my own actions. That’s when I decided to find out from those whose little lives had been molded by my decisions…  for better or for worse.

The verdict? Well, although it appears on video that I really screwed up, since my boys can barely string two words together, the truth is they are awesome, and they made it. They are funny, they are kind(ish), they are not in jail (yet), and they brush their teeth. What more could a regular ol’ non-green, reluctant breastfeeder, epidural-loving, tv-watching advocate mother ask for?

Oh, these boys of mine… And to think, for all these years, I have been taking the blame for their big mouths. I’m fairly certain that this photo is proof that their blonde hair and blue eyes aren’t the only things they inherited from dear ol’ Padre.

So my boys have their flaws. Lord, Lord, do they ever. However, it might surprise you to learn they have some decent characteristics, too. One of which is their ability to interact with the opposite sex in a fairly healthy manner. Not to pat myself on the back, but I think I have played a large part in this. So let me share with you my suggestions for successfully raising girl-friendly boys.

1) Make sure your boys are comfortable around tampons. Preferably still-packaged ones, please! For the younger set, just having the box in plain sight is enough. Once they are driving, there is no reason they can’t go buy them for you. If you do try this, be sure to have them purchase a few innocuous items, as well. After all, your goal is to desensitize them, not completely humiliate them. I tried this last weekend and my boys didn’t blink an eye when they saw tampons on the list. That’s more than I can say for most husbands.

2) Expose them to chick flicks and soaps. This can be tricky. Do not force them to actually watch. However, having General Hospital on the TV, as sort of background noise, will probably be enough to make them subliminally want Luke to finally settle down with Laura (once she is out of her catatonic state, of course).

3) Make sure your boys have at least one good female friend. This is one you have to start early, before they get to the cootie-fearing stage. I remember Moody’s very first friend was a girl. In fact, they would have sleepovers, which as toddlers, was perfectly acceptable. Better than at 16, that’s for sure!

4) Get them used to apologizing. This is key. They’ll need to perfect their technique by the time they’re in their first relationship.

5) Insist that your husband pamper you. This is the best way for your boys to see for themselves how a girl should be treated. You should have no problem recruiting your husband, because, after all, doesn’t he want your boys to grow up to be respectful and loving men? Of course he does! For beginners, I’d recommend starting with the nightly foot rub.

I know you are all dying to read yet another post about how my parenting skills are being tested like Job’s faith in God (hyperbole aside, I am being driven out of my mind), but I thought I would try to distract myself into a good mood. Yes, I am dumb (and desperate) enough to fall for my own tricks.

I have been thinking that if I do manage to fail miserably at this whole parenting thing, and my kids end up on the streets (or behind bars), maybe I can salvage a few shreds of dignity and self-worth by being a successful person in my own right! As silly as that sounds, I do see many parents heavily invested in, and buoyed by, their kids’ success, and alternatively, completely devastated if things don’t work out exactly as they’d hoped. Believe me, good parenting definitely increases the probability that your kids will turn out okay, but it is, by no means, a guarantee (don’t I sound wise? I think I must have read that in a book somewhere).

So instead of living vicariously through my kids, which at this point would be a big, smelly nightmare, I am going to invest some time and effort in me. I have already spent many years growing as a person, but honestly, it has been with my family in mind. Doing what I could to become a better mother or wife (although my husband is probably reading this, thinking, “?”… so let’s just leave it at better mother).

Anyway, now it’s time to focus on being a better me. Period. Yes, I am aware that by improving myself will most likely make my family’s life better, but frankly, at this second, I don’t care very much about that aspect of my self-improvement plan.

So let’s talk about me! What do I want to be when I grow up? How can I help others (that aren’t my own blood-relatives)? What makes me happy? What do I like?

Well, hopefully my little pet project will take off. I am going to take it slow and see where it leads. I have a good feeling about it, and I know that moms in my position could really use some support.

I am going to take a class. I’ve never been afraid to try something new, but I have yet to find anything that I can do with confidence and claim as my own. Maybe I never will, but I am going to keep searching. Photography? Basketweaving?

And, I should probably include something about exercising and eating better, but I don’t like to make promises I can’t keep. 

I realize this sounds like the standard midlife crisis of the suburban set, and I guess maybe it could be. But really, I am tired of being so involved in my kids’ lives, and I know they are ready for me to start loosening up those apron strings (since I have never even been in the same room as an apron, I guess we should call them sweatpant strings).

So, that’s it. I guess this is the resolution post I hadn’t planned on writing. I know you are all on the edge of your seats, waiting to see where this goes.

You know, now that I think about it, I may need to hold off extracting myself from everyone until Moody actually passes Algebra II and Beans remembers to bathe on a semi-regular basis.  Ugh, I think I have officially become part of the problem instead of part of the solution.

I probably can’t keep this photo up too long, as the subject wasn’t so pleased about it being taken in the first place. If he knew I was using it for my own self-promotion, he’d have kittens.

So why am I in love with this photo? Because watching my son eat makes me happy. Seriously, chills were running down my spine and I was feeling all giddy. Weird? Hell yes! Understandable? Yes, again.

Calories, fat, salt and protein are this kid’s lifeline. He can eat all he wants, and while the rest of us blow up like artery-clogged balloons, he grows stronger, his lungs stay clearer and all is right with the world.

And now, the self-promotion that I promised… Due to a serious of recent events, I have had a bit of an epiphany. I have come to realize that I don’t have to use my corner of the internet solely for my own whining, self-pity and craziness (although believe me, that will continue)! I can try to flush out others that are in the same proverbial boat, and perhaps do a little good while I am at it.

I have started something called The Common Thread Project. Don’t ask me to define it, because at this point, I don’t have a very good answer. Here’s who it is for: moms of kids with chronic illness. They’re a unique group, with a unique set of responsibilities, feelings and needs, and frankly, they are ignored. And I don’t say that to sound bitter. They are ignored because they want it that way. They put their kids first. They put fighting for their kids’ lives first. They don’t want you to pay attention to them, they want you to get off your ass and help them find a cure for the disease that has taken a most unwanted chair at their table.

But, I feel that there needs to be a place where these moms can go to let their hair down. Maybe even be treated to a little TLC. And that place is HERE. What the site will ultimately become, and how many moms it will help, is yet to be determined. But I have big dreams for it and am committed to helping as many women as I can.

So, if you have any desire to spread the word to those that the site might help, that would be awesome.

And by the way, although it may appear that Moody is eating sour cream straight out of the container, there really is part of a baked potato somewhere on that spoon.